If you follow me already a long time, you know that I posted last April on my previous blog the post: I’m not an object, I’m a human. I was really in a certain kind of struggle about what my next ‘life-talk’ would be about. I wanted to recap this post and even expand it because it is something important and people should talk about it. But then, I changed my mind Because I was scared again off having those negative reactions and maybe the upcoming sleepless nights.
But why did I decided suddenly to make this post even though I’m scared? It’s because I saw a Youtube video today from Matthew Santoro. I don’t know how I got to Matt’s channel but I found him 6 months ago I guess. Every time I felt really down or alone I watched one of his video’s because he’s really funny and educational. But the last video he uploaded was for me a shock. And made me think about a lot of things. So because of him uploading this. I uploaded this blog.
I’m not doing this to get sympathy. First of all I started blogging to tell people what is going on in my life. Also this way is to help everyone who has dealt with the same thing or similar things. If you feel offended or think this is a cry for attention. That’s completely okay.
I was 9 years when I found that babies were not brought by storks or that they don’t grow out of cabbages. When you hit puberty you feel everything working, you start to fall in love, you start with experimenting and so you can go on. But what if something stands in front of this so you can’t develop a normal healthy sexual relation? Or what if you are divergent in preferences or just don’t care about it? I can’t give you all the answers but at least I can give you my story.
When I was in my first year of high school (12 years) I was already in the experimental phase. Call it early call it what you want but there were also other reasons why I was. I random met dudes and chatted and texted with them. The real dirty stuff began when I was 13 years old. At that time I also had a boyfriend who was 16 years old. Of course it didn’t went that well because I was still not ready for the real deal. After many fights of this, I dumped him. But for some reason he could not live with it. A few weeks later he wanted to talk with me at his place. So I went to his place but instead of talking with me, he grabbed me and yes, sight, raped me.
After this incident, it took me a very long time to trust anyone. Also the way you look at sex changes completely. Or at least for me it did. I tell people I always lost my virginity when I was 14. But yeah you know, it’s kinda awkward to say :’ I lost my virginity when I was raped.’ Yeah, sounds like a cool story. I eventually had sex when I was 14. A long term relationship with a guy who cheated on me many times. So trust broken again.
On my 15th birthday I had exams. I went towards home by bus. A completely random strangers comes to sit next to me. No problem of course, until he started touching me everywhere. I screamed through the whole bus. But nobody cared, everyone was just looking at me like I was crazy. Well the thing is that this kind of event happened more times. still take the metro and the bus. But I’m also scared when a random guy comes to sit next to me.
I had many relationships and all ended because of serious problems or that I was just too scared to have one. I also had a guy who was really manipulative. Always lying towards me and it just didn’t want to work out for me. To be really cruel, he was just really stupid and that was my main problem as well. Anyway, when I wanted to break up with him, he was threatening with suicide and crashing his car. And trust me it is very hard to carry that shit because you don’t want that on your mind.
Since a year my life is filled with one night stands and fuckbuddies. Do I have a problem with it? Yes and no. Like I said it changed my point of view on sex completely. I was first one of those girls who only wanted sex within a relationship. Now I’m just like ‘ let’s screw around’. Even though I’m more in a point in my life that I want a steady relationship. Unfo I guess it will not be easy. Just because also many guys see me as an easy prey just for sex. And I also realised that in your student time, not many guys are intrested in a relationship but ore in just easy sex-things.
Anyway guys, this is my story, how I saw it, why I still have problems and etc. Don’t let people bring you down and if you want to talk, just do so!
❤ xxx Emma
Matthews Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXhSCMRRPyxSoyLSPFxK7VA