#Tag: Valentine: My Kind of dates

So whattup humans? You will soon get a life-update  but now something more fun! Since I’ve never celebrated valentine in my life before and the fact that I’m turning 20 this year, I want to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Even if I can’t find someone to celebrate it with, I will do it on my own hah! So basically this post will be about ‘my perfect dates’. So enjoy!

baby you have no Idea how true this is. every time I see you my heart skips a beat, I get butterflies in my stomach and my breathe hitches. every single time. I love you to the end of the earth baby

1. The walking date
Basically everyone knows that I love walking! I also need to do it for my back. I don’t really care if we walk in a city or in a forest or whatever. I personally like to walk among de Schelde( the river in Antwerp). And of course Linkeroever is pretty nice too!

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2. The picnic date
I’ve never did it before and it is really cliché but it sounds like something very romantic.  And to be honest, who doesn’t like ants for lunch?

I-Miss-You-Quotes-6:

3. Getting diner
I guess everybody likes food? Or at least most of the humans do. But I just like the fact that you got food and hopefully someone awesome to talk to. 

I need reminding of this often. If we all believe something brilliant is going to happen then thats what we will find. I'll be keeping my eyes open for the next miracle.:

4. The surprise date
I just like surprises so the fun part of it is that you can do whatever you want to do with me because hey you have a surprise for me :D.

Truth:

5. The netflix and chill date
First let me get this straight. I’m now talking about watching a movie. But watching like you know what’s happening. It can be even more fun with food like nacho’s, popcorn or m&m’s. And yeah of course I like to cuddle as well. 

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6. Get me into the bathtub and give me wine
So put a Lush  bath bomb into the tub, put some music on,  make it darker and get me some wine! My favourite? Savignon Blanc from Barefood produced in California. But I’m just happy with white  Californian whine

What’s you favourite kind of date? 

❤ Emma xxx

#Life-update: I’m scared

I know some of you read my status on Facebook telling that some weird fucked up things happened in only one day. This post will be about some of the events and the problems I’m dealing with at the moment. The difference between life talk and life update is that the talk is about one subject through my life and the update is how I feel now and what I do. I always keep things pretty vague when I’m talkin about people for their own privacy and etc. In today’s post I will even be more vague. There are to main reasons: privacy and to not ruin relationships with humans.

So my day started fucked up since I don’t sleep anymore. I don’t know why. My mind plays tricks with me. I’m so tired but unable to sleep. The same with eating. I’m not eating when I’m home alone. I force myself to eat in public or when my parents are at home. But I just want to throw up and stop eating. No,  I don’t throw up don’t worry and I still eat tho. So after studying some statistics I needed to visit the neurosurgeon for my back. If you can remember that I was in the emergency room a few weeks back. You know this story kinda. But the good old man didn’t have that good news. Apparently a part of my back on the left side is paralyzed. So yeah, unlucky me I guess. They can’t do a thing about it at the moment so I guess I need to keep holding on with  this pain.

Exam-period and of course a lot of stress and not being social is pretty harmful for you mental health. Hearing that  one of your friends did something really stupid and almost lost him because of it, really makes me scared. I don’t have that many close friends anymore and I could not imagine if he wouldn’t be here anymore. It made me think and overthink everything. And I really feel like crying now. He is alright but still…

In my private conversations I always tell people that I feel really messed up and I feel worthless. For example I don’t give anything about school anymore. I can go on about this but as well this scares me in some way. But I didn’t really want to talk about school  in this paragraph. I feel really bad about being even alive at this point. But recently I met someone who changed this way of feeling. This person made me feel like I’m someone again. Even though he/she didn’t do anything special. The reason why I don’t say this straight to this person is because I don’t want to already ruin everything by being too fast. I also think that this person will not even read it so it doesn’t matter that much. I’m only afraid to push him/her away. I’m never scared for it because I know it happeneds a lot with me. But I’m really scared to push this person away.

So again I’m a scared girl at the moment. But I hope it will soon be better ❤

❤ Emma xxx

 

#Life-talk3 : Everyone wants to be happy

*This one is about depression. You can skip the first two paragraphs if you would like to since they are just a psychological theoretical model.*

You can ask anyone about what they want and you will get the typical answers. There’s nothing wrong with it since most of our desires are just typical for human beings. But what if we are not able to fulfill these desires? What if we can’t get to the next step because of the fact that we can’t fulfill the previous one?

If you ever did something with psychology in  your life, you will probably recognize this pyramide. Maslow was a human who designed this model. Many people think it’s old fashioned but in my opinion it still is an important fact about how a human can develope. The important thing is that we fulfill the first step to go to the next one. I will also say at a certain point why it is a bit bullshit for me this theory but I would recommend to  read this and maybe read some awesome stuff on the internet.

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If you follow me around for a while, you will know that I am not afraid or ashamed to talk about taboo issues.This is where life-talk of course is standing for. Why would I do this shizzle otherwise? So the subject of today is my favourite one to talk about: Depression. Of course I need to claim that this one is about my experience and everybody  else has a different feeling about it. So keep on reading if this subject is one of your interests.

 

My depression settled down when I was 11. Or a least around that period. Growing up was one of the hardest things to do. I was being bullied  from my last year of nursery school so I was around 5 years old. I know I was very different than other kids. Always busy with learning, I catched up everything really fast and was not intrested in the subjects they were intrested.  I don’t know why. I loved dinosaurs and science basically. I needed to switch schools when I was 9 because I couldn’t take it anymore. But it didn’t get any better. The only positive thing was that they listened to me. And I was happy for that.
Also my family situation was not really the easiest thing. My mom was 17 when she gave birth to me. I grew up with my grandparents, mother, her brothers and my  great- grandmother ( The one who died in November tho). No dad until I was 6. This was apparently also a reason to bully me. My dad didn’t realise how it parenthood worked and was more busy with his life. This is like the only point where I still have problems with talking about. So I’m sorry that I’m not going further on the dad-part.

É sempre assim. PQP. Meu Estado de humor é confessado sempre pro meu pinterest.:

I was 11 and felt for the first time so empty in my life. My life was one big mess and when my stephdad came around and me getting to high school? It didn’t get easy at all. I was a junior in high school when I was officially diagnosed after all these years of going to psychologists and psychiatrists. I guess the first time I went to one was when I was 6 years old and the last time was somewhere in November. Anyway when I was diagnosed I also got antidepressants. Still take them and kinda can’t live without them.

Depression quote: I want to be happy but something inside me screams that I do not deserve it. www.HealthyPlace.com:

I think the thing where we are all ashamed for is how we feel. In this culture, mental diseases are still not accepted  in the western society. If someone asks how you feel and you dare to say that you feel bad. They will just turn their back towards you because they are too afraid to go on in the conversation. They want honesty but they also want everything to be perfect. That’s definitely the most hateful thing about our society in my opinion. 

Dealing with those highs and lows: | 13 Charts That Perfectly Describe What It Feels Like To Be Depressed:

I have this bitch that brings me periods of extreme happiness and extreme depression. At the moment I feel like I’m sitting in a transition period going back to depression. How I feel when I am extremely depressed? I cannot really describe it. It’ a really empty feeling. You don’t care about anything or anyone.  Even not aou yourself. You only want to lie down, sleep and cry. Why should you eat? Why would you even take a shower or why should you brush your teeth? What’s the point of it if we are just numbers and nobody really cares of you? They only do it because society says they need to take care of you.
In my experience these moments are one of the most dangerous moments you can have. You just don’t know what to do with your life and how it’s going because it’s going to a stuck place. You even don’t want to be here and you push everyone away. Because you’re scared as well. You don’t want them to see how hurt you are, how weak and how fucked up you are. But also, you start  to not care about them anymore  and of course they may not know. I’m so tired and I mean physical and emotional. I can sleep and cry  for the whole day again. Or just lie down and watch at the ceiling for the whole day. It’s probably better than going outside and live your life.

Depression quote: I'm the type of girl who smiles to make everyone's day. Even though I'm dying on the inside. www.HealthyPlace.com:

Yes, I have attempted suicide. To be honest 2 times. One when I was 14 and even one is August last year. I guess no one can imagine why the fuck I would do that. But I just can’t explain. If you feel so useless you just want to jump of every bridge you see or you want to walk under a car. Not because you really want that but your emotions are so fucked you don’t know what you should do and should not do. Yes, I also have  did some self- mutilation. I’m not proud of it but unfo it is what happened. I used to hit myself, banged my head against the wall and the most popular one, cut. But you can’t really see the scares. Maybe if you look close but you will even not know that they are from cutting.

Depression quote: When a depressed person shrinks away from your touch it does not mean he is rejecting you. Rather he is protecting you from the foul, destructive evil which he believes is the essence of his being and which he believes can injure you. -Dorothy Rowe. www.HealthyPlace.com:

I don’t want all this shizzle  to go on.  But unfo I don’t have a choice.  At the moment I’m afraid to let people in and get close. I let some people in but I’m just so afraid that I will push away the right ones. Some of them really don’t deserve such a messed up person like me. I even don’t get why some people stay with me. Like the picture above says, I just do it to protect some people from getting hurt. I will always keep on smiling because nobody deserves my sad and broken face. And maybe it will help to get me through the day.

❤ Emma xxx

#Life-talk2: Recap: I’m a human, not an object.

If you follow me already a long time, you know that I posted last April on my previous blog the post: I’m not an object, I’m a human. I was really in a certain kind of struggle about what my next ‘life-talk’ would be about. I wanted to recap this post and even expand it because it is something important and people  should talk about it. But then, I changed my mind Because I was scared again off having those negative reactions and maybe the upcoming sleepless nights.

But why did I decided suddenly to make this post even though I’m scared? It’s because I saw a Youtube video today from Matthew Santoro. I don’t know how I got to Matt’s channel but I found him 6 months ago I guess. Every time I felt really down or alone I watched one of his video’s because he’s really funny and educational. But the last video he uploaded was for me a shock. And made me think about a lot of things. So because of him uploading this. I uploaded this blog. 

 

* DISCLAIMER*
I’m not doing this to get sympathy. First of all I started blogging to tell people what is going on in my life. Also this way is to help everyone who has dealt with the same thing or similar things. If you feel offended or think this is a cry for attention. That’s completely okay.

I was 9 years when I found that babies were not brought by storks or that they don’t grow out of cabbages. When you hit puberty you feel everything working, you start to fall in love, you start with experimenting and so you can go on. But what if something stands in front of this so you can’t develop a normal healthy sexual relation? Or what if you are divergent in preferences or just don’t care about it? I can’t give you all the answers but at least I can give you my story.

When I was in my first year of high school (12 years) I was already in the experimental phase. Call it early call it what you want but there were also  other reasons why I was. I random met dudes and  chatted and texted with them. The real dirty stuff began when I was 13 years old. At that time I also had a boyfriend who was 16 years old. Of course it didn’t went that well because I was still not ready for the real deal. After many fights of this, I dumped him. But for some reason he could not live with it. A few weeks later he wanted to talk with me at his place. So I went to his place but instead of talking with me, he grabbed me and yes, sight, raped  me. 

After this incident, it took me a very long time to trust anyone. Also the way you look at sex changes completely. Or at least for me it did. I tell people I always lost my virginity when I was 14. But yeah you know, it’s kinda awkward to say :’ I lost my virginity when I was raped.’ Yeah, sounds like a cool story. I eventually had sex when I was 14. A long term relationship with a guy who cheated on me many times. So trust broken again.

On my 15th birthday I had exams. I went towards home by bus. A completely random strangers comes to sit next to me. No problem of course, until he started touching me everywhere. I screamed through the whole bus. But nobody cared, everyone was just looking at me like I was crazy. Well the thing is that this kind of event happened more times.  still take the metro and the bus. But I’m also scared when a random guy comes to sit next to me.

I had many relationships and all  ended because of serious problems or that I was just too scared to have  one. I also had a guy who was really manipulative. Always lying towards me and it just didn’t want to work out  for me.  To be really cruel, he was just really stupid and that was my main problem as well. Anyway, when I wanted to break up with him, he was threatening with suicide and crashing his car. And trust me it is very hard to carry that shit because you don’t want that on your mind.  

Since a year my life is filled with one night stands and fuckbuddies. Do I have a problem with it? Yes and no. Like I said it changed my point of view on sex completely. I was first one of those girls who only wanted sex within a relationship. Now I’m just like ‘ let’s screw around’. Even though I’m more in a point in my life that I want a steady relationship. Unfo I guess it will not be easy. Just because also many guys see me as an easy prey just for sex. And I also realised that in your student time, not many guys are intrested in a relationship but ore in just easy sex-things.

Anyway guys, this is my story, how I saw it, why I still have problems and etc. Don’t let people bring you down and if you want to talk, just do so!

❤ xxx Emma

Matthews Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXhSCMRRPyxSoyLSPFxK7VA

#Life-talk 1: why I am still single after almost a year

So  everytime I check on how many people that read my blog, I always get  the highest amount on real life stuff and talk so basically I decided to make a serial of posts about several aspects of my life. The one for this week will obviously be about: Why I am still single.

 

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I am always very tired of hearing:’ Emma how is it possible that you are still alone?’ or ‘ How can somebody like you not be able to find a proper guy?’. Well people do you really want to know? I don’t have any clue. Oh well maybe I can figure out some logical things.9d4681b81078c5e7b05fbb05ea159a0c

Yes My dearies, I’m simply too afraid to get hurt again. I wish it was a simple as it sounds. I always fall in love very quickly wish is not that good but it doesn’t matter. I also want to be in a relationship. The only fair thing is that I don’t want to get hurt again. The last dew guys I fell in love with, well there was always something wrong. Or I just knew  that it would cause a lot of trouble. So unfortunately  if you want to be  careful, you need to pay a high price.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor single girl quotes

Again, Of course I like the attention butt I’m ot searching for a fuckbuddy or a one night stand. This is also one of the problems why I don’t trust many guys I pass on my way. Because even when they tell m that they are so sure about the fact that I would be their ideal Girlfriend. And afterwards it’s all just about sex. And I’ so very sorry  dudes, but it’s not how it works anymore.

So maybe it’s just  only y problem. I’m not hunting for a relationship but having somebody at your side is just really nice. Maybe I search for the wrong ones maybe I’m just acting so hopeless. Maybe someone is still on my mind. It’s hard to tell. But it kinda makes everything a bit harder these days. Yes, I have really awesome friends but if we are honest to ourselves. It’s not the same right?

❤ Emma xxx

 

#Tips: How to relieve stress during exams

January is for the most Belgian students one of the most hated months ever. So basically Emma has exams as well! Already had one done and with 5 to go I would love to share some tips with you to relieve some stress.

1. Exercise: Yes humans, nothing better for your brain then a good exercise! So get up, go out for a walk or a run. Go rope skipping or just some easy jumping jacks!

2. take a relaxing bath: Jep I know, not everyone has a bathtub but I have one so please leave me alone with this one! Haha, you can always  use some essential oils or maybe some bathbomb( like the ones from Lush!).

3. watch an episode of your favourite tv- soap: But watch out with binge watching! So don’t do it if you can’t hold yourselves!

4. Dance, sing just scream it out: Do I need to say anything more?

5. Put your phone and social media away: It will only deliver you more stress. And trust me it isn’t worth it!

6. watch a youtube video/ read a blog: But the same with 3 don’t if you can get addicted to it!

7. read a book or a magazine: Just forget about reality and o on in your imagination and fantasy.

These were some of my tips hope you guys like it and are able to use it! What do you  guys do to relieve stress? 

❤ Emma xxx

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#Music Monday: Just dem feels

So guys, since it has been a very long time since I’ve posted a music monday, here it is! Edition of the week is jus:’ dem feels’ basically just a post with a lot of feelings.  Hope you will like this one and don’t forget to follow the blog and comment :)!

Diamond on a landmine- Billy talent

It was 2010 when I first broke up with my first ‘serious’ boyfriend. This song literally Kinda saved my life. I sung it at least a thousand times a day and cried so hard over and over on it. But hey guess what? I survived ;).

Snuff- Slipknot

Aah one of these songs where emotion is just flooding out of it! Metal band Slipknot choose to have a really nice romanic balade and I need to say that they didn’t do a bad job. This is one of the songs that keeps me going on crying crying and crying.

Shut up- Simple Plan

Okay, maybe this is more a guilty pleasure but hey this is how I feel while studying for my exams towards certain people so for me i is just dem feels!

 

All signs point to Lauderdale- A day to remember

One of those songs from my deep dark emo hood but now one of my fave ‘ I’m feeling stuck’ -songs. I’m not sure why, is it indeed the song that describes a person in a stuck situation or is it just my interpretation of the song. Everytime I hear this song, I just want to run as for as possible. Not knowing where I would go or hat I should do. But I always feel that I need to get out of the stuck moment in my life.

Friday I’m in love- The Cure

Last but not least, one of my favourite new wave bands: The cure! So basically I wated o nd with a very happy one so here it is! I always feel pretty much in love with hearing this song what is kinda really logic. And since this is my current mood I’m only more happy to present it to you guys!

What do you think of this list? Any other song suggestions? Would you like to have some more music mondays?

❤ Emma